FAT

Not loving the right guy was hard for me. We had two dates and he wanted to be there. He exalted my presence. I just lost weight but I didn’t know I was fine. I felt ugly and betrayed by myself. I told my secrets to a Verizon representative on the phone. We would talk for days and hours. I told him that this man was a lame to like me. Even though he was the first man in a long time to lull me to sleep. He would just hold me until I fell deep enough to sleep for him to walk out the door and me go back. He didn’t know that 3 months before an abuser left me there to pick up some pieces of me that he threw onto the floor. All while the Verizon guy knew that in this moment I was making a big mistake. When the abuser previously left, I met a woman whose husband was a preacher and he told me that he was mean to me because I was fat. The abuser was mean to me because I was fat! Not that it was his fault. The blame was put on me. Not that the abuser sipped syrup, cheated, was broken, had evil thoughts, was bipolar, had no job or car at some point in this relationship or could have just wanted to be with another man. It was all my fault because I was fat. I laugh at the thought now because it didn't hurt for him to him say this at all. College prepared me for that part of the world. People that were bullied probably brought that same confidence to college to terrorize others like it was a natural part of life. This preacher told me nothing new. The weight came off, it dropped off, it shredded away like old clothing. So did the man too. He may have been what I needed but the shame was still there and it was fat. I still didn't quite look at myself and I didn't notice that my clothes were so big that I had to buy an entirely new wardrobe, I never wonder what happened to that preacher and his wife, because they were just as lost as my abuser, I do however wonder what happened to the man that dared to love me from afar. I always do. I keep his pictures close to me, in a scrap book for safe keeping. I remember his name and I keep that close to my heart. I need to remember that a good man loved me once and wanted to keep me safe, however, I wanted to keep safe from the woman that would call him a lame and stupid for loving her. I sometimes wish that he would have stayed and loved me through it all. Instead, I am this woman today.